Four months unemployed. Two interviews got scheduled. Both recruiters bailed.
The pull back to familiarity — the known — is strong. I got pulled back into the stress of job hunting with no traction.
Deep down I know the intention underneath those applications was not the intention I had when I quit.
When I quit, the intention was to explore, expand, take a risk, and get excited again for a new change.
When I sat down to read a job description and push myself to apply, the intention was stress and fear.
So I paused. I stopped applying recklessly just because fear and anxiety were pushing.
If I kept going that way, I would walk myself back into the same situation: fear, anxiety, stress. That is not where I want to be again. I needed to start from this moment — not from the panic.
Looking deeper at why I am so fearful, and where the anxiety comes from, I found it in my personality and in what I was taught. I was taught to always try hard, study hard, and work hard to get what I want. If I didn’t, I would be told I was lazy, not responsible, not a good person. That stuck.
I still feel like the only way to get what I want is to try hard — that things don’t come to me easily. Looking back, when something actually arrived in my life, I rarely noticed that many times it just came. The grinding might not have been the cause. Most of the valuable lessons showed up because I was eager and excited to do what I was passionate about. The trying-hard part might not have been what got me there.
Even if it was — would I want to live that way? Is life supposed to be hard?
Maybe this is the lesson. Maybe this time I try it differently: live now with the intention of how I want to feel, not how I was trained to hustle. If pace and flow is what I want, why not live like that now and see where it goes.
Here is what I envision.
Now
To live a life aligned with my soul’s purpose. To meet each day from love and compassion more than from fear. To have a good life with my partner and my dog. To visit my family, spend real time with them, and support them in whatever way they need. To love them, and to make them feel loved. To not worry about money because I feel confidence and abundance wherever I go and whatever I do. Life has always supported me for what I need.
One year
A job I love. Challenging enough that I still stretch, and fulfilling enough that I feel peace in my heart. I love what I do and where I am. I have time for the people I love. The work doesn’t feel like “a job” — I just want to do it. It provides what I need, and more. I feel abundance, and I stay thankful.
Three years
My partner and I have enough to do what we want, and go where we want. A home base we both enjoy year-round, and the ability to travel when we want. A place in Thailand where he and I can be comfortable with my family. Everyone at peace. My partner and his family united, in a good relationship. No constant worry about money in order to live fully. Healthy — mentally and physically. A community of friends who help each other. A way of living that is good for us and for the planet. We love what we do.