So many things are going on in my life right now. It all started in January this year when my company announced the return-to-office mandate. As of today, I know I have to be in the office at some point before the end of this year (2025).
On top of that, my business partners, Kevin and Poppy, told me they want to walk away from our partnership in the Airbnb pool house we invested in together. After this year (2025), I’ll have to manage it on my own. They will no longer handle property management or take responsibility for the house. Last month (August), I noticed my monthly mortgage payment increased by almost $700 more than what I had been paying.
To add to that, I recently found what seems to be a lump in my left breast. While on the road and currently in Colorado, I’ve had to start establishing myself as a new patient in the Colorado medical system to get this checked properly.
Life at work remains consistently busy. I can sense that people at work are stressed and fed up with this ongoing mandate requiring everyone to return to the office, which will cost all of us more to commute. Despite this change, the organization hasn’t slowed down on initiatives or work. In fact, it feels like they’re adding more and more, pretending everything is fine.
One of my team members, who I manage and is also a good friend, has started to perform poorly at work—or rather, not perform at all. He’s become disengaged and stopped communicating with anyone on our team while working fully remote. It breaks my heart to see his behavior and performance, and it also breaks my heart to have to address it and come up with a disciplinary protocol, which may lead to his termination.
At this point, I’ve been trying to stay calm and not panic. But I’ve noticed my body and mind aren’t used to this kind of intense pressure hitting from all directions. I’ve started feeling a weird tingling sensation in my body whenever I think about any of these situations. My mind takes it to a very negative and scary place, and then my body feels tight. My neck, shoulders, back, and head feel like they want to escape my body. They’re definitely making their presence known.My mind and thoughts race like a train, especially first thing when I wake up and when I lie down to go to bed. It’s hard to get restful, thoughtless sleep. The anxiety and fear hit hard when I’m not physically active, as if my mind is telling me I have to keep thinking about all these problems to find solutions. If I don’t, I feel like I’d be an irresponsible person, a loser, or lazy.
I feel like my thoughts and body are trying to take over me, and if they succeed, I believe a full-blown panic attack might take hold.
I try my best to stay conscious, but it’s not easy because I feel everything while I’m aware—my thoughts, body pain, and fear are all there, and it’s really hard to sit with them. It feels like I’m experiencing suffering in full force.
When I take Tsali for a walk, I can see how beautiful nature is and how cute he is, but it’s really hard to smile. My face doesn’t even want to cooperate. Still, I keep walking him every day. I know that going out for a walk with him is something I’ll do my best to never miss.
