Visiting family every year in December makes it easier for me to carve out time for an annual reflection.
I’m here in Thailand again…
I’ve noticed that just before drifting off to sleep, a deep wave of gratitude and grace always rises within me. Each time I return, I feel myself gently resolving some of those old, unresolved feelings from when I was a child growing up here. The more conscious I become, the more I see those familiar behaviors surfacing once more. Yet now I understand—they don’t come from anything my dad, mom, or sister did wrong. They arise purely from within me, and I can clearly see they were never truly justified.
I’ve learned to meet that impulse—the urge to argue, to correct their thoughts or behavior—by simply staying still… letting the emotion flow through and pass without acting on it. I’ve let go of the need to prove a point or fix anyone. It truly feels like a quiet test. And when I allow things to pass, a stronger rush of gratitude and love fills me in its place.
With each passing day, the more I release my ego and the desire to control or fix anything (while still offering my best effort in whatever I do), the more those lingering emotions from the past dissolve. It feels almost like I’m burning away old regrets, fears, and what I can only describe as lingering karma. When I return to sitting in silence or meditating, my mind feels clearer—far fewer thoughts of fear, sadness, or regret, and instead a spacious emptiness brimming with gratitude and grace.
Perhaps this is what Buddhism has always been pointing toward: learn to die before you die—so that when the moment truly comes, you can leave this world in peace, with no unfinished karma left behind.
