Lately, I didn’t have good sleep many nights. I woke up tired most of the days. I noticed that either my mind was going all over the places, or my body was not at peace… I would try to meditate and then some tightness started to happen around my head, my throat, my ears… then I would try to sleep side way… then I started to hear my pulse from my head/neck area. It was hard to get comfortable.
Last night, I started to pay attention to those symptoms (for the lack of a better word)… I stayed focus on where all those were trying to take me. Then I realized here came the thought… the worrying thoughts about work, about planning (what to do, where to go, when… how)… and all.
Then… I realized… all those are my ego thoughts. I wanted to be in control of all things and still didn’t want to let anything of those go… i still hold on tight to take control… when I already knew that I had no control of anything in this world. Thinking worrying thoughts while I’m trying to sleep is not helping either.
Eckhart Tolle has said: “If you get your inner world right, the outter world will fall in its place…”
His teaching came to my mind. Then I just observed those thoughts with those realizations. I stopped feeding those thoughts to keep going. I just let them go like I didn’t care a bit of those thoughts. Then my body start to get lighter… my tightness in my body started to disappear…
The next morning, when my alarm went off, I started to do my little meditation again to find out where I was at in my mind. The same cycle of tightness, body pains started again… going through paying attention to the thoughts… then they came again… Ego thoughts, worries, fear… then again… I let them go, realizing that they just ego thoughts… This time I waited for more without falling sleep… then…
The feeling of gratitude flooded my whole body. Tears came to my eyes (in a good good way)…
I now found the flood of gratitude inside of me… if I can let go all those masks of ego thoughts inside of me.. if I can let them go… I find gratitude in me.
